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" Head Tripped "Written By: Presser Pairings : 1+2, 2xOC, 3x4 strongly implied Disclaimer : Gundam Wing characters aren't mine Rating : NC 17 Warnings : Lemon, supernatural theme, angst, abuse,
NCS
"Head Tripped" ~9~ "So, you're saying that Duo looked completely normal to you." Heero's eyes narrowed as he made this statement to Wufei. "Yes. He was the Duo I've always known: bright, cheerful, rambunctious." "But it was almost 2 a.m. this morning?" "Yes, Heero," Trowa said, "It was about" - he looked at his watch - "two and a half hours ago." Trowa, Wufei, and Quatre sat bleary-eyed at the kitchen table of the safehouse. They were just as concerned for their fellow pilot as Heero Yuy, but the intense grilling he was giving them was wearing rather thin. "Look, Heero," Quatre said, "We shouldn't have let Duo go; that much is clear to all of us. But there's nothing we can do about it now. Duo's out on a mission, and he said he'd be gone for just a couple of days. When he's back you can check on him then." Quatre chanced a sidelong glance at Wufei. "Quatre's right, Heero," Wufei said, putting a hand on Heero's shoulder. "Let's get some sleep; whatever we must deal with when Duo returns, we're going to need to be alert and rested." Heero looked into the eyes of his comrades, one at a time. "Right. Let's get some sleep. I'll just verify that the sentinels Wufei put out around the safehouse are still doing their job before I turn in." "Heero," Trowa said, "It's gonna be okay. Duo's a strong guy; whatever's troubling him, he'll deal with it." "I hope you're right, Trowa." Heero stood, signaling that the meeting was finally over. He stretched overly tense muscles, then headed upstairs to his bedroom. Quatre turned worried eyes toward Trowa, who pulled him into a close embrace. As the couple left the kitchen, Chang Wufei sat staring morosely at the sugar bowl on the table. "Damn," he whispered. "There's just gotta be a way to find out what's going on here."
"Damn," he said, "Why can't I get to sleep? I haven't had any trouble before; couldn't get enough of it till today. And then this - this boy," - Duo waved his hands in front of his face in frustration - "whoever he is, tells me to come out here and bury myself under a lake because he wants me all to himself. What the fuck is going on here? Am I completely losing it? Duo sat up, looking around the small control cabin in irritation. He ran his hands through his bangs, letting out a loud sigh. He decided to take inventory of what had happened to him in the past few days.
“I know I’ve been trying to find a way to tell Heero that I wanna be more than friends with him for quite a while now. But after having sex with this dream-boy, all I want is more. I’m so confused! I thought maybe I loved Heero, but -“ Duo stopped. A chill crawled over his arms, and he shivered. “I guess it’s only natural that I’d start dreaming about Heero. But this boy - he wasn’t Heero. It seemed like it at first; enough for me to want to follow him, anyway. “He took me to a clearing in a forest - this all seems so natural now, not surreal like a dream - and made love to me on a stone altar. I guess I once wanted that with Heero - not the altar part - but the closeness, the intimacy. Maybe I was weak, but I just couldn’t resist fantasizing about making love with Heero. “And, gods, the sex was incredible! Better than anything I could ever imagine. I started sleeping late, going to bed early, hoping that I could move the dream along. I guess I thought that if I could get to the end of the dream I’d know what to say to Heero. “But the more this boy pulled me in, the more I realized it wasn’t Heero - and the more I realized that I wanted what this dream-boy was offering. It’s better than anything I’ve ever had. I’ve been foolish to think that Heero could ever give me what this boy is giving me. “He must have known by then that I was ready for the next step, because that’s when he took me through those clouds and into this - this bedroom with the stone walls and animal skins all around. “He made love to me again - or - no, it /wasn’t/ love; it was sex, just raw sex. It hurt, but it felt so good. I remember begging for more, even if it meant letting him hurt me. He gave me something to drink, and I remember coming alive with a fire in my groin. Gods, my cock felt so good - and not good at the same time. It was like drinking salt water. Couldn’t get enough, and it only made me want more. “He hurt me, slapped me around - and I liked it. Maybe that was what I thought Heero could give me - I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter now, does it? I’ve found it with this boy. Wish I knew his name so I could call to him. “I think I see what’s happening. This boy wants me, and for some reason he can speak to me only through dreams. I guess he brought me out here so that I sleep without interruption. That way he’ll finally tell me who he is and how we can meet in real life. “You know, I never would have thought that I’d end up in a place like this, but I’m - I’m glad. All I ever really wanted was for someone to hold me. I thought maybe I could have that with Heero, but I see now that I really needed more than that. I need someone to - to dominate me, make me feel good, tell me what to do. “Gods, if I could only get to sleep I could go to him! Why the hell can’t I sleep? It’s the whole reason I came out here!” Duo shifted back and forth on the makeshift bed. He turned onto one side, crossing his arms and pulling one knee up to his abs. “Whoever you are, come and get me. I’ve done what you asked for; I - I need you. Please, come and take me again.” Duo’s voice was small and child-like, a soft pleading ending with a tiny whimper.
“Heero, get some sleep,” Trowa said. “You can’t keep pushing yourself like this.” Heero looked up. With a calm and steady voice, he spoke. “Duo’s not on a mission.” “What?” “Take a look at this, Trowa,” Heero said. “I’ve checked and cross-checked every transmission to any of us in the past week, and even talked to Dr. J via a secure link. No mission directives have been issued for over 10 days. “Then why would Duo -“ “I don’t know,” Heero said. But it means that he’s in some kind of trouble.” Heero turned to stare out of the window. “So you think that Duo’s….” Heero turned back to look Trowa in the eyes. He made a decision. “Trowa, do you have time to talk? I think I need to tell you something.” “Sure, Heero.” Trowa set the glass of milk down on the dresser in Heero’s room and moved to the bed, pulling up a chair. He sat close to Heero, who shifted to face Trowa directly. “Trowa, this is not an easy thing for me to do; you know I’m a control freak, and always put the mission above everything else.” Trowa had never heard such words from Heero Yuy, nor so many in a single sentence. He nodded, not trusting himself to know what to say. “Well, there /is/ no mission this time, Trowa. So I’m going to follow the advice I once gave you and act on my emotions. “You know I’m gay, right?” “Of course. Each one of us is gay, Heero. And we all know that fact about each other.” “But maybe you don’t know that I - have - feelings - for -“ “For Duo.” Trowa looked steadily into Heero’s eyes, which widened as Heero took in what Trowa was saying. “You knew?” “Who doesn’t, Heero? At least among us five. It’s obvious to everyone that you’ve been trying to figure out how to tell Duo you love him.” Heero’s mouth slowly opened, but no sound came out. “And, just in case you didn’t know,” Trowa said, “Duo’s in the same boat. He loves you more than anyone else, but he’s afraid that your overriding commitment to the mission would -“ “Prevent me from acknowledging my feelings,” Heero finished. “I know. It’s what I struggle with every day. I have to give everything for the mission, but I don’t want to lose Duo, either. And I don’t know how to tell him. I guess I’m partly afraid that admitting my feelings will cloud my thinking.” “And you don’t think that’s already the case?” “No, I don’t. I’ve kept my head about me, Trowa. I know I have feelings for Duo, but I also know that I cannot deal with them right now.” “And at what cost to you, Heero?” Trowa put a hand on Heero’s shoulder. “Meaning?” “Look at you, Heero. You do fine. You’re more disciplined than anyone I know. You’re thorough, and strong, and committed. I can understand Duo being drawn to that. But you’re paying a price for it, Heero. Have you looked in the mirror lately?” “What do you mean?” “Come here.” Trowa stood and took Heero’s hand. Heero slid off of the bed and followed Trowa as he led him to the dresser. “Look, Heero, really look at yourself. Tell me what you see.” Heero looked into the mirror, uncomfortable with staring at himself. He used mirrors to make sure there was nothing that would draw attention to himself, but had no other use for them. He hated people who spent any amount of time worrying about how they looked. As he really looked at himself for the first time, he saw that his hair was unruly; his skin was sallow; and he noticed dark circles under bloodshot eyes. “I don’t look so good, Trowa.” “And why do you think that is, Heero?” “I push myself because I have to. It’s the only way to get everything done. You know that. We’re fighting a war.” “Is that the only thing you see in that glass?” Heero looked again. As he started to look away, Trowa spoke. “Look /into/ your eyes, Heero, not /at/ them. Look deep into your eyes and tell me what’s there.” Heero steeled himself, for he was very uncomfortable doing this. But he trusted his friend. He looked into his eyes. After a long moment, he turned and looked at Trowa. “You think I’m worried about Duo. You think that I’m not as clear-headed as I want to believe I am, and it’s because of my concern for Duo.” These were statements, not questions. “Am I right?” Heero looked down, then back up, directly into Trowa’s eyes. “Yes, you are. And I feel like a fool for not realizing it before now.” “Don’t go beating yourself up, Heero. Self-deception is the easiest enemy to overlook. I think you’ve done a fantastic job of dealing with unrecognized feelings up to this point.” Heero returned to the bed, closing his laptop. Trowa followed. “Trowa, I think it’s time I filled you in on my own dreams, and why I think I know what’s going on with Duo. TBC
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